No, we didn’t bet the farm on a poker hand and lose. Trust me. If I’d had to do that kind of stripping, well, you can forget this puny flood stuff we’ve been experiencing lately. The devastation on O‘ahu would have been total.

But Quilly did lose her car. Temporarily, I hasten to add (phew!).

As she’s already related, the car’s needed tires for some time now, and it finally got them, at an outfit that has (had?) a good rep in Hawai‘i (Lex Brodie’s, on Queen Street downtown). We got the car, and drove it around for awhile, and were heading to a small gathering of friends when we heard what sounded like rocks in the wheel hubs.

Well, we were close. It was the wheels rocking on their hubs.

The lug nuts were loose on their studs.

It has been known for a long time that certain kinds of mechanical wrenches, used too exuberantly on lug nuts, will strip the threads on the studs, or the lug nuts, or both.

(At this point, I could insert a sentence that includes the words “Detroit” and “shoddy”, but those folks have enough on their plates right now.)

Well, we thought that’s what had happened here. I mean, we looked, and the nuts on the studs were loose. All of them. We ended up leaving the car on the street until the towing service could bring a flatbed around (the following morning) and drag it to the repair place.

Only one eeensy leetle problem. As the guy who drove the flatbed pointed out.

Those nuts were lug caps. Not the actual lug nuts.

OK, guys, help me out here. A wheel on your average car is held on to the hub by lug nuts on threaded studs. Right? Simple, uncomplicated system. Been around since Henry Ford’s flivver, if not Marc Antony’s chariot. You see a nut on the wheel (I said on the wheel, not behind it), it’s a lug nut. Eh?

Not. The nuts we we spinning on their spindles last night looked like lug nuts, felt like lug nuts. But they weren’t holding the wheel to the car.

They were holding the hubcap to the wheel. To deter theft, I’m told.

As if anyone would actually want the miserable cheap plastic excuses for wheel covers on this car. If I’m going to go to all the trouble of bolting on wheel covers, I’m going to go out and get a set of those hubcaps that spin on their own and make the car look like it’s going backwards instead of forwards.

Anyway. The fellow unbolted the hubcaps, properly secured the real lug nuts (they hadn’t been, which was the source of the original noise and night of insecurity), reassembled all the bits, and then refused a tip from Quilly. Who got to work a mere three hours late.

Now, if only the one who put the wheels on had tightened the lug nuts – the real lug nuts – properly in the first place …

  - O Ceallaigh
Copyright © 2008 Felloffatruck Publications. All wrongs deplored.
All opinions expressed are mine, as a private citizen.

Hawaii has seceded from the union.

Don’t get all hyper and start punching buttons on the remote control. You won’t find this news on TV. No need to open a browser to Google. They don’t have this scoop either.

Nope.

This choice piece of news came to me from perky little Jennifer at T-Mobile.

Jennifer [in a champagne bubble voice]: Thank you for calling T-Mobile. I am Jennifer. How may I help you today?

Me: I will soon be moving from Las Vegas to Hawaii and would like to change my cell phone number.

Jennifer [surprised, but still bubbling]: Oh. You know you are going to have to buy a new phone?

Me: What happens to the year I still have left on my calling plan?

Jennifer [oozing sympathetic bubbles]: It probably won’t transfer over. You will have to buy it out.

Me: What if I just decide to keep this number until my current contract is up?

Jennifer [bubbles subdued]: Ma’am, your current phone isn’t going to work in Hawaii.

Me: Oh? Why not? Hawaii is in my calling plan.

Jennifer [almost no bubbles]: Yes, but you pay international rates for those calls.

Me: I don’t believe I do.

Jennifer [deep breath, slow exhale, forced bubbles]: Ma’am, if you’re calling Hawaii you are paying international rates.

Me [appalled]: Why?!

Jennifer [exasperated, no bubbles]: Because Hawaii isn’t part of the United States!

Me [after several moments of speechless wonder]: Oh? [I may have even snorted.] Since when?

Jennifer [ignoring my question and trying for bubbles]: Because it is not part of the United States, Hawaii is on a different satellite system. Your phone will need a different code than it currently has. You should probably wait until you are actually in Hawaii to do that.

Me: Thank you, Jennifer.

I refrained from asking her if I could speak to somebody intelligent. I just waited until OC and I arrived in Hawaii, then dialed T-Mobile again.

Me: I have recently moved from Las Vegas to Hawaii and would like to change my cell phone number.

Jason: No problem. I’ll have your new number for you in just a moment and it will take effect anytime between now and 24 hours from now.

Me: Twenty-four hours! Will my phone work in the meantime?

Jason: No. I have to say 24 hours, Ma’am, but it usually only takes about 15 minutes for your new number to activate.

Me: Oh good. Thank you. Is there a fee associated with this — or any new equipment to buy?

Jason: Usually there is a $15.00 fee for changing numbers, but I imagine your move has already been expensive enough so we’ll waive it.

Me: Thank you, Jason. Why is it you aren’t telling me about switching satellites and new codes requiring new phones?

Jason [perplexed]: Ma’am?

Me: Well, the last time I called, Jennifer [bubbles inserted], told me Hawaii wasn’t in the United States and I would need to switch to an international calling plan.

Jason: She what?! [laughing] They hire the front line call reps for their voices, not their brains. We do have to switch your plan from Nevada to Hawaii, but everything will remain the same except the taxes you pay. That shouldn’t change your bill more than a couple of dollars.

Me: Thanks, Jason.

Jason: Thank you for calling T-Mobile. Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Me: Nope. That’ll do it.

[We say good-bye again then I hear Jason mumbling] Hawaii isn’t a state. I don’t believe it. Hey, Bill …. [click]