Dude and Dude’s First Christmas

“Dude! What the hell are you doing?!?”

“Just spreading a little Christmas cheer, dude.”

“A little? Man, you got that tree looking like it’s fighting a snowbank. And losing. If you get my drift.”

“I don’t, and I don’t know why you do. Terrible stuff. What we have here is a rising tide, dude. We’re in Hawai‘i, y’know.”

“How could I forget, dude? What I don’t know is when you got so fond of Maine wintahs that you got to cover everything you can reach around here with soapflakes! Did you klonk your noggin once too often in the surf, or was it hearing White Christmas for the 176th time today that set you off?”

“It’s not soap, dude. It’s detergent.”

“Dude. Get real. A detergent is a big guy with an automatic rifle and a look on his face that a pit bull can only dream of getting.”

“Michael Vick can wash my shorts?!?”

“Maybe after he gets out of jail. But I wouldn’t count on it. He’s already gone to the dogs.”

“Speaking of counting, dude … you haven’t forgotten, have you?”

“That this is our third Christmas? How could I forget, dude? Hell, even Quilldancer remembers the first one. 20 December 2006. Posted on that site that OC doesn’t use any more. Eh?”

“Eh. I lift a cold one to you, dude. You hoser.”


On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me … a beer.



Turn that thing off!!

Sheesh, dude. Where’s your Christmas spirit?”

“Roasted, with a sprig of holly through its heart. Man, ever since Columbus Day, you can’t go noplace without tinsel, bows on empty boxes, and chestnuts roasting on an open fire. I’m …”

“What’s a chestnut?”

That’s just it, dude! You don’t know. I don’t know. So why are we singing about them? Every hour on the half hour for two friggin’ months! Dude wants to pretend his apartment’s the mall, he should at least have the courtesy to use earbuds.”

“I’m just testing the iDock, dude.”

“When the hell did you get an iDock?”

“Came this morning. I thought you would have seen the box. But I guess you were too busy with your damned sprigs of holly.”

“You’re supposed to be shopping for other people at Christmas, dude. Not yourself!

“Dude. If it was for me, it would have been a Zune. Capisce?

“Well, who’d you get it for then?”

“It’s a secret, dude.”

“Well, whoever secret is better be able to appreciate a gift that’s already been used.”

“I’ll just pack it back up. He’ll never know.”

“Dude, you’re clueless.”

“No, that’s not me. Nor him. If it were, that’d be telling.”

“Oh, bah, humbug!”

“Sounds like a dude in desperate need of an eggnog.”

“No. I just need Christmas to get here already. So I can hear music that’s about something other than silent nights. Or beers in a tree. Sheesh.”

  O Ceallaigh
Copyright © 2006, 2008 Felloffatruck Publications. All wrongs deplored.
All opinions expressed are mine, as a private citizen.


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