Posted by: The Amoeba | March 16, 2009

No See Snakes – An Alternative History of Humans in Hawai‘i

First posted on the defunct Felloffatruck Publications on 16 March 2008. No shamrocks for guessing why it’s being reposted …

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Anthropologists have thought, for some time now, that the first peoples of Hawai‘i were migrants from elsewhere in Polynesia, who first arrived sometime during the first millennium of the Common Era.

Rubbish.

Never mind the oral histories, the genealogies, the DNA evidence. I don’t believe any of them. The first peoples of Hawai‘i had to have been Irishmen. They’ve got deep suntans, sure. But they’re Irishmen. Had to have been.

Because there are no snakes in Hawai‘i.

Clearly, Saint Patrick and his retinue travelled far more widely than the surviving records indicate. Word of his successful serpentifugation of Ireland got around, despite the challenges to communication brought about by the collapse of the western Roman Empire in the 5th century CE, when Patrick lived.

Commissions arrived from all over the known world, and beyond.

An Icelandic visit must have seemed almost trivial, apart from the cold and the occasional earthquake and volcanic eruption. And no uncaged snake has been seen in Reykjavik since.

The Hawai‘ian mission must have been far more troublesome to plan. But plan it he and his must have done. With sufficient skill to include a side trip to New Zealand, at the far southwestern reaches of an ocean all but unknown to the sages of Europe.

And the snakes vanished.

To this day, cuz, you no see snakes in Hawai‘i. Except you sea snakes. Erin go bragh, brudda.

(For the real reason why Ireland, Iceland, New Zealand, and Hawai‘i have no [land] snakes, go here. Unless the true story would compromise your enjoyment of St. Patrick’s Day. I would never do that to you, begorrah. But do go easy on the green beer, OK?)

  – O Ceallaigh
Copyright © 2008, 2009 Felloffatruck Publications. All wrongs deplored.
All opinions are mine as a private citizen.

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Responses

  1. Happy St. Patrick’s Day OC and enjoy your cabbage and Peat Moss LOL

  2. Thom, I made his Italian soup and a toasted Swiss cheese and pepperoni sandwich. He had a very multicultural day.


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