Posted by: The Amoeba | March 28, 2009

Turn Your Lights Out (thub-dub, thub-dub)

[Cue James Earl Jones.]

It … has … begun.

Today (28 March 2009), at 8:30 PM at the place where you live, your world will be given over to Him. For an hour, you shall submit to your Royal Master, Phil, The Prince of Insufficient Light!

And you will turn your lights out.

[Cut! Great work as usual, James. See you next year.]

Now, your friendly neighborhood Amoeba is certain that the World Wildlife Fund would be less than pleased to find that its annual Earth Hour publicity stunt promotional gimmick contribution to global environmental awareness has been tied to a figure of the underworld. Even one whose powers are limited to darning you to Heck while totally gagging you with a spoon. Yessir, this here blog would be under the panda’s thumb if the panda ever found out about it. Of course, the panda would have to learn how to use a microscope to do that. Amoebae are pretty small, y’know. So are their blogs.

But, I mean, we gave at the office. Literally. A transformer blew in our building two weeks ago, and we’ve been working in the dark ever since, waiting for the Dolphin Express to tow its replacement over from California. And the dolphins are tired and cranky. That load was heavy, and they’re demanding time-and-a-half, or some tourists are going to get seriously splashed at Sea Life Park. We’ve paid our kilowatt dues already, man.

Besides. There’s a reason why the toes complain when you try to walk through your house at midnight without flipping a switch, Bill:

No. Turn the light on. Turn the light on, will you please? We’re not going through this again.

Bad things happen when you turn the lights out. There are table legs out there, waiting to destroy your toes. There are chicken hearts out there (thub-dub, thub-dub, thub-dub), waiting to destroy New York!

Worst of all, there are zealots out there, waiting to destroy the corporate world by getting the citizens of the planet to pull the plug on them!!

Or so they think. That laughter you hear is from the corporate executives rolling on the floor.

“You morons!”, they cry when they get their breath back. “You think your puny little demonstration means anything? OK, it’ll put a few bucks in your buckets. We’ll grant you, it’s not the worst ad campaign we’ve seen from a pack of rookies. But ‘the will of the people?’ Give us a break!

“Check on the power demand next week at this time, next month, next Christmas. Especially next Christmas. We listen to the real will of the people. And that means neon Santas, idiots, not people stubbing their toes on their way to the bathroom so they can save whales they’d never get to see if they didn’t have power for their televisions.

“And what if they did do as you say? Haven’t you been paying attention to the real news lately? About how lessening demand for goods and services, including energy products, is causing businesses to go under? The word depression mean anything to you cretins? You wildlife types want to get labelled as the rich snotty guys who threw millions of people out of work for the sake of a damned panda, we’re more than happy to help. And good riddance to bad rubbish.”

Bill Cosby was in the middle of telling his version of the Chicken Heart story, in character as a five-year-old kid, when he abruptly stepped out of character to announce to the audience:

I was dumb enough to do whatever the radio told me. “Turn your lights … ouuut.” “OK, they’re out. C’mon, scare me.”

And bad things happened. As Cosby’s father related to anybody within earshot.

Hey. Come over here and see my dumb kid. Go on, tell him how you burned up a $100 sofa and broke your father’s arm to save us from that thub-dub, thub-dub …

  – O Ceallaigh
Copyright © 2009 Felloffatruck Publications. All wrongs deplored.
All opinions are mine as a private citizen.



  1. Very funny post. I suppose the lights off in the house suggest lights out in the head.

  2. Doug! I would never say any such thing! Not without first checking the place for sockets, anyway.

  3. Too funny. I knew this was coming from a couple of comments Q made on my blog LOL

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