Cave Hominem

cave-canemCAVE CANEM (Latin): Beware of the dog. CAVE HOMINEM: Beware of the human.

I went to a major network’s website this evening (25 April 2009) to see if I could find out something about the state of the world. I got two soap-opera shootings, half a dozen celebrity reports (two of them obituaries, one for a person, the other for an automobile), a Tweeter update, a bull in a china shop supermarket, and (the lead story) a guy who found the Hand of God in his back yard and is selling it on eBay. Yes. Really.

Seems like only yesterday that our English teachers were telling us exactly what they thought of “news” like this. ‘Man Bites Dog’ stories, they called them, and they were to be beneath our notice. Especially on our assignments, where, if they appeared, they would attract the deadliest Scarlet Letter, the one that would cause the parental units to proclaim the virtues of our remaining in our own rooms after school, for the next week at least.

Our teachers, sadly, foresaw neither the National Enquirer Gospel of Profit, nor the Vista of a World Without Classified Advertising (presented by craigslist). Factors that would transform the MBD from an object of educational disdain into the principal resource of the modern information industry:

ROVERVILLE (API*) Police and Humane Society officials are investigating at this hour a report of aggravated manbite at a home on Setter Avenue.

Authorities were called to the home at around 9 PM yesterday by neighbors complaining of loud noises, including those of a dog or a child in pain. Responding officers found a man, later identified as Mr. Carney V. Russell of Roverville (the owner of the home), and a male golden retriever. The residence showed signs of a struggle, including large hanks of dog hair strewn on the carpet. When both the condition and the name (“Sparerib”) of the dog were ascertained, Mr. Russell was taken into custody, and Sparerib to the Humane Society clinic, where he is reported to be doing well.

Upon hearing of the arrest, Ms. Eva B. Rich of the Roverville chapter of PETA spoke to the media. “We have been aware of Mr. Carney V. Russell’s activities for some time, and we are appalled that it has taken so long for the authorities to act. We expect that Mr. Russell will pay the full penalty for his crimes. Should he not do so, he may expect a visit to teach him respect for life not of his species, with our most potent persuaders including brass knuckles and a year’s supply of tofu bacon. But you didn’t hear that from us.”

Mr. Qu Fulin, however, a Setter Avenue neighbor of Russell’s and proprietor of Roverville’s Seven Joys restaurant, was more concerned with the state of the dog. “Golden retriever? Terrible choice! Much too bony, and the meat’s too tough. A St. Bernard is much better, especially if you feed well, keep exercise down, and harvest before it’s a year old.”

A number of citizens have been seen in the vicinity of the Setter Avenue address. At least one of these citizens has been identified as a former business associate of Mr. Michael Vick. It is rumored that these persons are seeking a way to use the currently-idle assets of their former business in a legal way, and are seeking advice from Mr. Russell.

Mr. Russell’s arraignment on charges of assault, battery and cruelty to animals (specifically, to Sparerib) is scheduled for 10 AM local time tomorrow in the Roverville Town Hall and Court House.

(* = Amoeba Press International)

  – O Ceallaigh
Copyright © 2009 Felloffatruck Publications. All wrongs deplored.
All opinions are mine as a private citizen.


  1. I actually started to believe this until I got to the part of the Restaurant, and knowing some places this could be true.

    In any event, thanks for the chuckle.

  2. You had me going, and being that my long dead dog is a Golden I could fell my heart start to beat more rapidly…..then I got it. Took longer than usual, I’ll have to come more often.

  3. As I come to the end of this reading, I find one of my legs longer than the other.

    Btw, the eBay listing has been canceled. No explanation given, but since the man wasn’t really selling it (read the fine print — oh, you can’t it’s been canceled), I’m not surprised.

  4. A hot dog, Dawg? Don’t laugh, McDonalds has tried this trick.

    Happy to oblige, Bill. But let me get this straight. You thought the story might be true until you came to the part that could be true, which caused you to realize that none of it is true? That’s just, like, wow.

    Yes you should, Cooper (and welcome). You would then have had a chance to read about the amoebae that ate LA and have your scepticism quotient raised. I figured you, of all people, would realize that you could not be part of the Russell family (Carney V. Russell …)

    I’ll get out my leg shortener, Q. It’s right next to your toe chopper. And thanks for telling us that, finally, somebody at eBay has chosen to pay attention. CNN hasn’t, at least not yet.

  5. That’s okay love. You keep your toes. My legs will wait for straightening until someone gets a round to pulling the other one.

  6. I”ve been hanging around Quillster too long, she is so Analytical

    Also being from Nova Scotia one is more suspicious about things. Read the whole story before giving it credit.


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