CAVE CANEM (Latin): Beware of the dog. CAVE HOMINEM: Beware of the human.
I went to a major network’s website this evening (25 April 2009) to see if I could find out something about the state of the world. I got two soap-opera shootings, half a dozen celebrity reports (two of them obituaries, one for a person, the other for an automobile), a Tweeter update, a bull in a
china shop supermarket, and (the lead story) a guy who found the Hand of God in his back yard and is selling it on eBay. Yes. Really.
Seems like only yesterday that our English teachers were telling us exactly what they thought of “news” like this. ‘Man Bites Dog’ stories, they called them, and they were to be beneath our notice. Especially on our assignments, where, if they appeared, they would attract the deadliest Scarlet Letter, the one that would cause the parental units to proclaim the virtues of our remaining in our own rooms after school, for the next week at least.
Our teachers, sadly, foresaw neither the National Enquirer Gospel of Profit, nor the Vista of a World Without Classified Advertising (presented by craigslist). Factors that would transform the MBD from an object of educational disdain into the principal resource of the modern information industry:
ROVERVILLE (API*) Police and Humane Society officials are investigating at this hour a report of aggravated manbite at a home on Setter Avenue.
Authorities were called to the home at around 9 PM yesterday by neighbors complaining of loud noises, including those of a dog or a child in pain. Responding officers found a man, later identified as Mr. Carney V. Russell of Roverville (the owner of the home), and a male golden retriever. The residence showed signs of a struggle, including large hanks of dog hair strewn on the carpet. When both the condition and the name (“Sparerib”) of the dog were ascertained, Mr. Russell was taken into custody, and Sparerib to the Humane Society clinic, where he is reported to be doing well.
Upon hearing of the arrest, Ms. Eva B. Rich of the Roverville chapter of PETA spoke to the media. “We have been aware of Mr. Carney V. Russell’s activities for some time, and we are appalled that it has taken so long for the authorities to act. We expect that Mr. Russell will pay the full penalty for his crimes. Should he not do so, he may expect a visit to teach him respect for life not of his species, with our most potent persuaders including brass knuckles and a year’s supply of tofu bacon. But you didn’t hear that from us.”
Mr. Qu Fulin, however, a Setter Avenue neighbor of Russell’s and proprietor of Roverville’s Seven Joys restaurant, was more concerned with the state of the dog. “Golden retriever? Terrible choice! Much too bony, and the meat’s too tough. A St. Bernard is much better, especially if you feed well, keep exercise down, and harvest before it’s a year old.”
A number of citizens have been seen in the vicinity of the Setter Avenue address. At least one of these citizens has been identified as a former business associate of Mr. Michael Vick. It is rumored that these persons are seeking a way to use the currently-idle assets of their former business in a legal way, and are seeking advice from Mr. Russell.
Mr. Russell’s arraignment on charges of assault, battery and cruelty to animals (specifically, to Sparerib) is scheduled for 10 AM local time tomorrow in the Roverville Town Hall and Court House.
(* = Amoeba Press International)
– O Ceallaigh
Copyright © 2009 Felloffatruck Publications. All wrongs deplored.
All opinions are mine as a private citizen.