Thank You, Wisconsin

For the second time in three years, the football gridiron program of the University of Hawai‘i has been exposed as a fraud by a professional sports franchise major university’s team.

Commentators on last night’s (5 December 2009) 51-10 shellacking of Hawai‘i by the University of Wisconsin had fun early on with the walk-on status of the UH quarterback. Who promptly demonstrated why he was a walk-on (leaving aside the matter of “academic transcripts”, which in this world doesn’t matter anyway until one is caught) by ending his team’s first two possessions with interceptions.

(For those of you who don’t follow American college gridiron, a “walk-on” is a student who joins a team without having been invited, and therefore has to pay for his education rather than receiving wages and perks a full scholarship as do the invited players. So – among other things – while his teammates were chowing down at the training table, this young man, who by rule may not partake of the training table’s goodies, was driving around town delivering pizza.)

When it became apparent that the Hawai‘i team defense was going to provide no more of an impediment to the Wisconsin running game than a thin layer of mud on a pavement would to a herd of stampeding elephants, it was obvious that the Aloha State’s gridiron fans were in for a long night. Your Friendly Neighborhood Amoeba made it a short one.

I am sure that if I were to waste any time with the paid shill that is “the voice of University of Hawai‘i sports”, I would discover that the failings of the UH gridiron squad were all linked to money.

The facilities are lousy. (Tell it to the Psychology Department.)

The recruiting budget is miniscule. (Most university departments have had their budget for graduate student stipends slashed, often by as much as two-thirds of 2008 levels).

Salaries for coaches are noncompetitive. (The current UH head coach makes $1.1 million, merely tenfold what full professors make in most academic departments – but his Wisconsin opposite number makes $1.5 million, in a city where the cost of living is about half that of Honolulu, and coaches in the really big schools make, like, $3.5 million. Not counting endorsement income, support from “boosters”, etc. etc. …)

I reckon it’s time for Hawai‘i to smell the same coffee as Hofstra and Northeastern universities, and close the gridiron program in favor of other pursuits. Like, finding a building to house the Psychology Department.

Of course, any such move would probably close the University of Hawai‘i, or at least the flagship campus at Mânoa. But We the People of the Great Nation State of Hawai‘i are doing that anyway, by slow strangulation. May as well come right out and get it over with.

I mean, the people of the Mânoa Valley never wanted the campus in their backyards anyway. And most of the worst-in-the-nation rush-hour traffic congestion that plagues Honolulu has been tracked to people getting to and leaving UH Mânoa. Close the campus? Problem solved!

Hey. Do this, and the city won’t even need a rail line.

  – O Ceallaigh
Copyright © 2009 Felloffatruck Publications. All wrongs deplored.
All opinions are mine as a private citizen.


  1. Brilliant my friend. I never thought of that…closing the campus…now there’s a thought. Or I know, move it out west in all that land out there. But there again if we do close it no rail YEAH!!!! You missed about a 10 minute commentary by the announcers of Coach Valvano and his V Foundation. It’s for cancer, great cause I will admit. But there they were going off on that and it’s all they could do to talk about the UH/Wisconsin game. I kept it on and watched/listened to it through the whole mess. The Amoeba for Governor!!!!!!

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